I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with nor the best but at some point there must be some kind of middle ground here for everybody. My thoughts on here are gonna be random and I’m gonna go off the rail with this.
I have this filter cap on what and how I should say things that might offend someone. I’m so tired of having this filter cap when it happens to deal with my thoughts damn it…Its my thoughts why should I have to hold my tongue with what I wanna say. It enrages me to think about what the other person thinks all the time and for some reason I cant turn it off for any reason its always on hell its telling me right now what to put down as I bloody type its sooo damn annoying to me. Its bad enough where I’m borderline depressant but as an added bonus there is this little switch where I’m thinking about watching what I’m saying just to fucking fit in with everyone. I’m not all for fitting in with the crowd nor being the social outcast or being the “Anti-Social” person in the world here. Yes I move in my own pace ever since I was 8 and ever since then I was on my own until things changed once again for me to start giving a flying fuck about this/that and the other with every freaking thing.
I was diagnosed with borderline depressant some time back I don’t remember what was the exact name for my condition but for now I’m calling it as being a borderliner. I had dealt with someone who is a borderliner like myself which wasn’t a good idea because this particular one was way deeper than I can even imagine. The thought of being with the idea of dealing with someone with that much deep intellectual thoughts being hampered by the same thing I am going through. With all that intellectualism that flows from one connecting point to another without an off switch to keep what should be said to those who either become a problem or blessing without the harm/hurt being put out forth among the general populist…What I’m trying to say is its really hard to dictate the level this off but its too much to handle alone let alone be with someone who is dealing with the same thing your going through..
I have been told to leave …
Not like an easy “Can you please move out” no its a cruel vision of ousting of my well being. For everything I have done was all for nothing well not entirely nothing learning from that moment full on was an and still is a experience I am not going to live down. Yes I know everything that happen runs its course including what I have been introduced.
My thoughts about it is mixed..
I know it was bound to happen but there are things that are going on that might be better if I stayed. I have been melancholy with everything its been holding me from doing what I must do to survive out in the world.
Yes there is a part of me that doesn’t want to leave what is there because I have already gotten used to the mayhem that had/has gone on since moving with the family and yes I seriously hate the absolute changes in my life but I also know that things need to change …Whether we want it or not.
I know something doesn’t feel right within my body. Its been more than a week that I haven’t been sleeping in the right patterns and it’s scaring the hell out of me.
I’m afraid that when I do decide to shut these blood filled eyes I may not wake up again. Its a scary time for me considering I haven’t been to work in about a solid month and I’m being kicked out of the only family I ever known now I’m not having a normal sleep cycle yes it does present a scary look into the real life situations I have to deal with.
I would rather type all of this out what I am really feeling than be like my younger brother and sleep walk in the night because of what he is thinking about.
I haven’t been good with my body that’s a given but considering how things are at this moment I don’t want to hold it in any more or have it on my shoulders holding me down. I really don’t want that feeling any more I can’t think straight knowing that the constant reminders or needless tasks loop in my mind I can seriously do without…
I must get better because I only have but myself at this moment and if I can’t get help for myself then I’m no good for nobody. I’m just tired of the whole mundane outlook on life or the absolute constant stress of the very ignorant populous that does include my family because we are all in the general population where the sheer though of stress ever growing rampant.
I must get better …
Yes I do believe its time for an update stat…
I’m in a new relationship with someone who I can really connect with I didn’t think I would have been in a another one so soon after the last. Truth be told I had waited a while for this one to really happen for not only me but for her as well so I’m kinda happy there is someone who I can talk about and do things with.
I’m not sure if I had spoken about my job but I’m still here at this lousy position. I can hear it already …
“What is it this time?”
I can only blame myself for all of this madness that’s going on in my life. I think if I didn’t agree to this position I wouldn’t be where I’m at right now Its my own fault which I have to except it and deal with whatever happens..
I’m keeping myself out if drama at least I’m trying very hard and not lose my cool with those around me even with my co-workers even though they have been at times the absolutely the cause if it.
Other than that nothing else has changed really that I know of and its good to be able to let my thoughts come on the screen than on paper..
As I was looking into my Facebook page I had posted something that I thought was good enough to have on there for the world to see. Unfortunately it was clear to me that one little word has put that post into a place where it wasnt deemed fit for everyone to see. I had thought to myself about this and the only thing I saw was off was that single word hash tagged was a big issue I mean its part of a females anatomy and for the most part at some point we were fed by or from it as a child so why should the word tit or titties should be censored I mean to me it wasnt that bad of a word now is it?…
We as people have been fed by it or drank the milk from it through a bottle at one point in life so why is that word being considered to perceived as a naughty or taboo word. Doesnt this account for something I mean yes in some contact the word could be used as naughty and a bit racy but we are in 2014 things of this magnitude shouldn’t be looked as bad thing also been seen as a point of censorship to those who use this or any words for that matter.
I have seen many use that or something similar to that word and they dont get their posts unseen like what have I done wrong while they get to use it so freely. Mind you Im not jealous or anything like that but wouldnt you think about the situation as a whole rather than being a part from something….
Im not sure maybe all this was just the way I had used it incorrectly who knows but at some point this to me seems like censorship at its best (worst) in my opinion…
As I sit here waiting for my time to end at this job, I wonder about how my life would have been if I had listened to what everyone had their “Best Interest” in mind for me.
I think the logical thinking would be why should I listen to them when they themselves haven’t made a bit of difference. Now before anyone gets defensive just hear me out first.
If I had listened to my friends I would have been hustling in some corner claiming to be “holding the block” as it were which with my talents I would have been owning it not holding onto a slab of concrete.
If I had listened to my mom I would have accomplished so much more than she has in her lifetime but sadly the lack of focus lost as a child and the imagination that was being put to use was dwindling faster than a paid fight.
If I had listened to the teachers who tried so hard on putting their best efforts on me to be the best I could have been maybe I could have gotten far unless you lived between the years of 80s and 90s it was pretty hard to focus on things knowing that it was “Pass on to the next grade” kind of option with each student not how the academic teaching is done today which by the way have you seen these kids homework now its like you must obtain a degree to understand half of what is there in the first place…But I digress..
See if I had listened that would have been meant that I wasnt pursuing what I wanted out of my own life not what everyone had their thoughts on what was best for me. This is the life Im leading regardless on the ensuring outcome. Now when anyone decides on what I should do I say “I’ll look into it” so their input was taken with some consideration…
I had a conversation with a female who I wasnt even sure she wanted anything to do with me.
We went into detail about the argument that was like some time and Im not sure why exactly she wanted to revisit that but in a calm way I told her why it happened and why something like this was needed to see where we were.
Granted we were just friends who occasionally hook up from time but it wasnt the whole mindset that didnt get to me as much as it should but the fact that she would return to the night in question.
I had felt like telling her:
Its not worth all of the aggravation that was being shown by both sides plus the way I was seeing it was more of a “FWB” kind of relationship…
I would have been totally honest with her then and there but something told me not to because she has gone through so much personal situations I rather spare the argument and just see where this would go.
I guess I have a soft spot for her maybe thats why I havent given up on her or having the absolute joy of taking her down a peg maybe thats the “Moment of Clarity” or just having to go through an argument which at this point Im not in for exactly.
The sheer thought of a provoked verbal fight wasnt in the cards for me because its best to tread lightly when someone of her caliber is around.
I’m not saying it’s all bad I just feel as if things would have been fine if something better should have came along before she did. Really I wish there was something that can ease things between us besides the physical aspects of the relationship. I’m thinking about coming clean but if that was to happen I seriously wouldnt know what would happen. I might as well come clean its not the worst idea I had in a while…..